Isn’t it crazy how you can be totally crazy about something and wake up one morning and all the sudden say F* it, I’m over it? It’s like when you’re going through a bad situation, you feel like it’s never-ending. Will it ever get better? Amazingly it does. The chaos that was once so dynamic is now inactive. You come to a point where you’ve realized it’s just not worth it anymore. You can only give yourself so much. You run on fumes, tired and frustrated. Your patience is short, you’re just not really happy. Your energy is focused on something that isn’t giving you anything but grief in return. All the excuses for putting up with it aren’t good enough anymore.

Ultimately you have to know what you really want. I mean, what kind of life do you really want? Shit is always going to happen. In our work life, family, friends, your partner…shit is always going to happen. The thing is, you can actually control how you let it affect you. For me, I tend to over think. I let things eat at me when I shouldn’t. It’s just who I am and no matter what it’s never going to change. But I think I’m better at controlling my emotions than I use to be. I don’t hold on to anger like I use to. I don’t think it’s just age that has helped me. I think it’s also the desire to want to be better. I always try to be better. Therefore I’m always growing and learning so much. Transformation is great. I look back and pat myself on the back :)

Anyways, yes, I’m over it now. Took me a bit of time, yes. But I’m a thorough person, LOL. I need to work through everything  carefully and figure it out for myself. People are always going to talk. I listen, somewhat. But at the end of the day I have to be happy with the decisions I make regarding my life. I mean, it’s my life. Just like your life is your life. We need to do what makes us happy. Sometimes we hurt people along the way. Not intentionally. We only have one life, a short one at that. So I’m going to live it. I can’t stand being stagnate…not progressing, just existing. That’s torturous. Why would I want that? Why would you?

Basically, get the f* over it and move on. Focus on yourself. On being happy. We ALL should have more happy memories and less painful, lonely and angry memories.

I think I’m gonna start video blogging. Here and there…what do you think? Maybe my next post, we’ll see :)

 

It seems that the universe always knows when it’s the right time. A little twilightish. I find myself in a lot of OMG moments. I was doing my normal thinking too much while googling and searching for new information. Tony Robbins has tons of videos. I kind of glance at the titles and click on what I think I need for the day. Recently I haven’t found much that resonates with me. It’s all good stuff. Tony will only improve your life so nothing is a waste when it involves him. But yesterday, my soul needed something…a push kind of. Something that will get me centered again. I am a little embarrassed that I at times lack discipline. I was feeling a little frustrated. The universe must have felt my self-doubt. At the right time, just as I was about to power down, I find this video. It was perfect. It was absolutely what I needed to awaken myself again.

If you find yourself needing to face the reality of your indiscretions, this might be a good video for you. A lot of us have the desire to want more. We have the potential to do great things…but the truth is, we’re comfortable. “Your back isn’t against the wall yet.” <<<< That’s it. My problem, why I’m lagging.

Thank you universe…for always knowing when it’s the right time to smack me back on to the right path. Now, back to the basics. Mindset, belief and massive action.

She’s  heartless.

She stood by my side in uneasy situations, she’s heartless.

She was there for me when I encountered pain, she’s heartless.

Yes, she was there when times got tough but I never asked her to be, therefore she’s still heartless.

I lied, she stayed…bitch is heartless.

I’m in love with her, but she’s not in love with me. Damn bitch is so heartless.

I said it’s raining outside, those are my tears. She says, “I’m sorry.” Is that all she has to say? Bitch doesn’t know what sorry means. She’s heartless.

Now…the heartless bitch defends herself. 

I’m sorry I no longer want to carry the weight of your problems on my shoulder.

I’m sorry you haven’t moved on and I have.

I’m sorry that for the first time in such a long time I am truly happy.

I’m sorry my home feels actually peaceful.

I’m sorry that I was not perfect.

I’m sorry I felt resentment.

I’m sorry for only being human and not an angel.

I’m sorry you still soak in your sorrows.

I’m sorry you still see the glass as half empty.

I’m sorry that you’ve proven more than ever that I didn’t make a mistake by letting you go.

I’m sorry you’re bitter.

I’m sorry you don’t appreciate the love you once had.

I’m sorry you choose to see me as a heartless bitch when you know I’m truly the complete opposite.

Now…the conclusion.

It’s just another sad love story. We’re two people who found love in one another but outgrew each other. A story where one was on chapter 3 and the other at THE END. Seasons changed, we fought through every storm. Enjoyed the spring and summers but not as much as we should have. Many could have’s and what if’s. The truth is, we were meant to meet. To share years of ourselves with each other, but we were never meant to be forever. I say… I hope you find great love with who ever you’re meant to be with…you say I’m heartless. Again, we were never “in-sync” when we were together. And now that we’re no longer, we’re still on different wave lengths. We were never one.

You can fool yourself into believing that I am heartless. It’s really a shame. Still, I must move on. I won’t be pulled back into you out of guilt. Our story has ended. It’s time you face it. Realize there are many great stories. The perfect one will stay, and you’ll reread her a million times. And she’ll always stay. Give yourself a chance to have true love. Let go of the past, of what was, it’s gone. It’s senseless to try to hurt me because I’m not coming back. You almost got me. I’m a little angry, yes. My words may cut a little, yes. You could even say this post is a little heartless, yes. But, I’m not one to hold it in and I did because I didn’t want to hurt you. How else can I express myself? You’ll probably never read this, that’s OK. This isn’t intended for you. It’s for me, so I can let go. And you dear, you need to find a better way to deal with pain instead of hurting others. I’m asking the universe for a favor, to help you. To change your way of thinking, to grow and be better. To let go and have faith. I pray the universe hears me…there is nothing else I can do for you.  I only wish you happiness, nothing less.

 

Ooooooooh I am sooooooo F* excited for her new album!!!!!! Mariah Carey, even though I didn’t like how she didn’t give JLo the applause she deserved when she performed on American idol, I still insanely admire her talent. Mariah, you’re a diva, I can understand why someone like Jennifer Lopez can make you feel a little intimated, LOL.

I heard this song this morning…but not the remix. I was soooo excited as I was laying in bed having my coffee dreading another day of work. I was so not in the mood this morning…tired -_- BUT, I figure I’ll just plug-in my headphones and drown everyone and everything out while I’m at work. As I’m searching for You’re Mine on YouTube, I was ecstatic to see there was a mix with Trey Songs :) I love him, really love him :)

All I can say is this has totally made my Monday. I appreciate a great song. To top it off, two great artist. OMFG. Thank you.

Mariah Carey’s album is set to release May 6, 2014. Here’s a little more info if you’d like to know more. Mariah Carey’s Album Release

Anyways, haven’t heard the song??? ENJOY!

 

Mariah Carey <<<<< You’re Mine.

I’m tired, so tired.

I haven’t lifted a finger, but yet, I’m so tired.

My arms feel lifeless.

My eyes burn when open. My sclera once clear, healthy…now red, irritated, veins filled with blood.

My heavy lids begin to fall, light slowing starts to fade. Finally stinging subsides. If only I can keep my eyes closed, until they no longer burn. But I can’t, my day must go on.

I sleep at night, but awake in my emotions.

Dreams I hate you, please go away. There are things I don’t want to see, there is someone I don’t want to see. Dreams, why can’t you just let me rest?

Let me be how I once was…OK, without you.

That’s too much to ask isn’t it? Because you continue to keep me up at night.

In my dreams I can smell it, the scent that I wish to forget. I can feel it, her hair against my face. My soul, it truly feels complete.

I wake, another restless night. I’m tired.

Dreams, can you please just let me fucken sleep? Can you get the hell out of my head?

I beg you, give me peace. I’m tired.

My days seem awfully long. My body’s weak, begging for some relief.

But still, everyday, I dread when the sun falls and the night rises.

I lay my body to rest, hoping for darkness, a dreamless night. But once again, I wake from the opposite.

Heart broken over a life that never existed.

Why dreams? Why give me fictional  memories? Why do you insist on making me feel so empty? So alone?

I sit here, numb, drowning in thought.

I’m living  in two different worlds.

My days are real, normal, as they should be. But my nights…my nights turn into artificial figments of her.

Torn, I’m so torn. Confused. What is real, what isn’t? I can’t seem to figure it out.

All the circuits in my mind are tangled. They aren’t functioning correctly. I can’t think straight because I’m so damn tired.

Dreams, please have mercy on me tonight. Give me peace. Let me rest. Please… I’m tired.

 

 

So there’s a missing plane? I didn’t hear about it till just a couple of days ago. I was sitting in a meeting and people were talking about a plane, high jackers, off the radar, a terrorist… I sat there for a moment thinking what the hell were they talking about. Then I finally caught on and said, “wait, there’s a plane missing?!” Everyone was like how do you not know…someone also said, “oh, by the way, we’re in a war.” Ha ha soooo funny. One of the girls mentions she’s surprised I don’t know because I’m always so up on the news. That’s true, I love watching CNN, Round Table, World News. As of lately, I’d say a few months if not more, I decided to take a break from the news. I felt myself stressing out every time I heard something negative. Which was A LOT of the times. Then you’d find me going on rants when I came to work letting people know the latest bullshit going on or what tragic event happened this time. It’s tiresome. Therefore I took a break and ended up looking like an idiot because I knew nothing about the missing plane! LOL. I got online right away to research what happened and made sure to watch the news. Now I feel lost, so many things going on and I don’t know anything. I suppose it’s time to get back on top of world events. It’s unfortunate that I’m overly passionate because I let too many things get to me -_- Oh well, can’t trade my heart in for another one. Actually I can, but too many complications :) I’ll keep mine.

So this missing plane….INSANE. Do you think it was high jacked or in the ocean somewhere? My first thought was OMG, how sad. Lets say the plane went down, more likely everyone has gone. From there people can move on. I don’t mean to sound mean. The thought of not knowing leaves hope, which can be good but also bad. The anxiety must be a killer. Every waking moment is like walking on egg shells. You’re going through your days in fear, treading lightly because the eggs can all crack with just one phone call. SMH I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Just another reminder people, anything can happen at anytime. Do all the things you wanna do now. Seize the moment! Say the things that need to be said. Spend time. Take chances. Don’t let it be too late. We all want to peacefully sleep in heaven or where ever it is we go. I don’t wanna look down and have regrets wishing I did things differently.

I am putting out my positive energy and faith out into the universe for the missing plane. I pray these people will have a second chance at life.

Life is short

Life is short

 

I did something…lol. I’ve been on a mission to become debt free. BUT, I just made some purchases today! Yes, I know…shopping is my weakness. I’ve been working a lot. Way more than usual. Retail therapy makes me feel great :) The only thing I’ve bought recently were for my son and home. Nothing personal for me. So…why not right? It’s OK to treat yourself now and then yeah?

I was smart about it though. I only buy things that are on sale. I refuse to pay retail price. I use too…but that was during my single days :)

It took me a whole week to actually hit the confirmation button. I finally did it today.  Here’s a photo of what I purchased. Look at the retail verses sale price. Pretty good huh?

image

Now, we’ll see how I feel about these  purchases when I receive them. Who knows, they may go all back. -_-

So, Retail Therapy CAN be bad if you aren’t smart. This…I think was a smart buy :)

 

What I need…a moment to reflect.

I’ve come so far, learned so much.

I can say, been there, done that.

I can share stories of hardship. I can share great memories of laughter.

I can say I’ve failed, but I’ve also risen. If you need proof that you can be knocked down 10 times and still get up the 11th time…here I am.

I didn’t choose the life I was born into, nor did you. I use to make excuses, I no longer do and you shouldn’t either.

Do you see that young woman standing on the corner in that run down neighborhood? You must have, at one point or another. Liquor store on each corner. Filthy sidewalks and homeless men leaning against the wall. The sun is shining and the wind is cool. It’s a beautiful day in my eyes. But for that girl, it’s darker than ever. She can’t see the light, she can’t feel the warmth . The wind is cold, she shivers. A black Mercedes pulls up, she leans over as his window rolls down. A few exchange of words and off she goes with him.

I walk the streets of San Francisco. I’m cold but I know I’m almost there. The club is only a couple of blocks away, it’s always warm in there. I will suffer for a short time until my arrival. “Watch your step,” my friend says. I look down and there’s a man laying on the sidewalk in the dark shadow reflecting off the building. I didn’t even see him. He’s cold, I know he is. He’s layered in clothing and gloves while I’m in heels and a tank top. And he’s still so much colder than me.

It’s pouring. It hasn’t rained like this all winter. I’m at a stop light, I look around and notice people walking. She caught my attention. An older black woman in a raincoat with grocery bags in her hand waiting for her turn to cross the street. I wanted to turn around. I wanted to say let me take you home. But I didn’t. Why didn’t I? I can give you a hundred reasons but I still regret. I should have.

He…just needs a few dollars. Why do we care what he does with it? He doesn’t have a job, no home, no family. Why? I don’t know. All I know is I have a job, a home, a family. I can spare a few dollars. What he does with it isn’t my business. What kind of person I am is my business. So I hand him a few  bucks.

I like nice things, I want my son to have nice things. I work hard. Life hasn’t always been the easiest. I worked really hard to be where I am today. But, I can honestly say I’m still not 100% happy. Such a shame isn’t it? Why do those who have so much still want so much more? A large part of the continent wouldn’t know what to do with all that I have. Strange isn’t it? Why do I need so much when she requires so little?

Although, I don’t think all the money in the world is going to make me happy. I’ve realized what I really need…it’s purpose. That’s what I need. I need to live a life with passion. I cannot merely exist in just material things. They bring only temporary satisfaction. Do I want to be stable? Yes. Do I want to live comfortably? Yes, of course. Will I continue my course? Yes. But will I focus more on passion? Yes. What do I need? I need a balance. To remember when to let go and when to change course. To not over think, to not stress when it’s not death looking me in the eye. With the many demands life comes with, I forget what really matters. Actually… a lot of things matter, it’s just the extent of how I let them consume me that counts.

As I nourish the people and things around me, I can’t forget to nourish my soul as well. I need to remember, that, at the end of the day, my life is good and I must pay it forward. Each and everyday. That’s what I need to not just live, but to be alive, to FEEL alive. I will continue to hand out money. I will turn around next time and pick her up. I will not forget those who are suffering around me.

I want to change lives, I want to help, I want to change the world. I’m too hard on myself I know. I forget to acknowledge the little things I do. I forget I am a good mother, a good friend, a good person. I try, and that to matters. Let me take my own advice…remember to enjoy the journey and not just the destination. Today matters. As well as tomorrow.

Today is the day for great things. Make the present wonderful. xOxO

 

 

What is post traumatic growth?

Goggle’s answer: Post traumatic growth refers to positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances.

I guess this study can go from extreme cases to moderate ones.

Extreme cases…I’d say…experiencing loss? Someone you love tremendously pasted? How about a normal check up turned into cancer? Yes, I’d say these are extreme cases.

Moderate cases…how about lose your job, car, house, girlfriend? When you compare it to cancer it fits under moderate correct? I think so.

I’m not implying that we shouldn’t feel pain or stress with both extreme and moderate events, I’m just looking at the big picture. I stress about a whole lot of things. I really do. I may not voice it as much as the people around me but I have a lot of the same problems you may have. I like to deal with things independently. I see it as…in the END, I am the one who has to live with my decision. Therefore, advice is good, but I find silence and alone time works best. There is nothing like a clear mind when it comes to reflecting and problem solving. We all have different ways of dealing with things. Just remember you know yourself best. Make sure whatever you decide, you’ll be happy with it when all is done.

I think I’m going through a very trying time right now. Just when I think the storm has passed, I find it raining again. It’s tricking me I suppose. I’m one to weather the storm, never giving up. Life is like the seasons. Spring is great, everything is blooming. Winter is grinding time. If you’re not productive during this time you won’t have any growth. Therefore no fruit to pick in the summer. Summer is both good and bad. That’s when all your hard work pays off. But then again there are always  unforeseen events. A wrench in your plan. You can do everything you’re suppose to do and still come up short. Will you throw in the towel? Or will you see it as an opportunity to plan better the next time around? You see, it’s all in how we think. How we see life. Half full or half empty? I say just be grateful you even have a damn glass!

Our lives are all different, just like our wants, desires and need to succeed. BUT, there is one thing we are all blessed to have, equally, and that is 24 hours in a day. What we do with it is based on our mind-frame, our ambition. We all have a mental image of the life we want. Although we fixate on the destination forgetting the journey is just as important. It ALL matters. Good, bad…ups, downs…little rewards, big rewards…joy, sadness…they ALL teach us lessons, makes us strong.

Most give up at the first sign of trouble or heartbreak. Post traumatic growth is about getting through ALL obstacles. Some will make it out and shine, some will parish. Strength is build upon struggles. I’m sorry that it works that way. At least you’ll discover there isn’t anything you can’t handle…that you’re a fighter. I’m a fighter. Sometimes I’m so tired though :( Sometimes I wish life was a little easier. I know wishes can come true backed by action. I’d like for things to get better NOW, I’d like things to happen NOW. Unfortunately,  it’s not. I know that things happen in time. I must have patience, I must work hard and be consistent. Little good habits everyday will pay off. My knack for searching will only feed and grow my mind. Too much knowledge is never a bad thing. I won’t just wish for things to be easier. I will wish for more wisdom, more skills, more courage.

I will get through hardship with intelligence and a strong backbone. Post traumatic growth is a beautiful thing. Most that go through this see life as a valuable blessing. There are moments of doubt and hopelessness. That’s understandable. Just don’t stay there too long, I won’t stay there too long either. Why? Because we’re fighters, we’re ambitious, we’re thankful, we’re givers, we’re compassionate, we’re loving…most of all, we have reason. We know there’s a reason for our existence. And there is no way in hell we’re going to ever give up.

Post traumatic growth refers to positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances.

Post traumatic growth refers to positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances.

 

You know how some people say you should work super hard and not worry about sleep. What is it…burn the midnight hours…oil…something, LOL….and rise before the sun comes up? Hmmm…yeah I don’t think so. That’s crazy!

I personally need a balance. I NEED at least 6 – 7 hours of sleep to function at my best. Anything less than 5, there is no way anything good will come out of me. I get the more work we get done the closer we are to reaching our goal. But, the quality of work, how good is it really? And how good CAN it really be?

I’m working some crazy hours right now…and I am definitely feeling some of these effects. Starting to feel reaaaaal crumpy!

I need sleep!

I need sleep!

Here are 10 proven FACTS on lack of sleep over time.

1. Sleepiness Causes Accidents. <On my way home I swear I feel like I’m gonna fall asleep!

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimates that fatigue is a cause in 100,000 auto crashes and 1,550 crash-related deaths a year in the U.S.

2. Sleep Loss Dumbs You Down

I feel pretty dumb right now.

3. Sleep Deprivation Can Lead to Serious Health Problems :/

  • Heart disease
  • Heart attack
  • Heart failure
  • Irregular heartbeat
  • High blood pressure
  • Stroke
  • Diabetes

4. Lack of Sleep Kills Sex Drive < No bueno, LOL (Kids, don’t worry about this one! )

5. Sleepiness Is Depressing < No wonder I feel like shit.

The most common sleep disorder, insomnia, has the strongest link to depression.

6. Lack of Sleep Ages Your Skin < Enough to scare me

7. Sleepiness Makes You Forgetful

I forget everything, ask everyone I know.

8. Losing Sleep Can Make You Gain Weight

Then again too much sleeping coordinated with lots of food and not enough exercise will do this as well.

9. Lack of Sleep May Increase Risk of Death

Lack of sleep doubled the risk of death from cardiovascular disease.

10. Sleep Loss Impairs Judgment, Especially About Sleep

Duh!

So I say get your sleep on!!!!!  Without it you will die! Well not literally, you know what I mean :) Just a few more days of this crazy schedule. Can’t wait!