I just found a new group and oh my goodness they are mesmerizing!!!! Just listen to them!
Last night I was listen to Ciara’s YouTube mix. It inspired me to draw a little. I actually finished in one sitting. It’s called No Face and it’s dedicated to my best friend, lol.
I’m in my:
To print or to discard phase.
I have a bunch of poetry that I am going to publish. I’ve taken the first step and that is to see how much self-publishing will cost. Very reasonable. And at least this way I can get something out soon.
FUNDAMENTALS and BUILDING BLOCKS…we all have to start somewhere people. The key is to get started. From there is the staying focused and follow through. The path of nonconformity. It’s not easy but oh soooo fulfilling.
As I’m reading my mess of emotions (and they’re really a mess!), some made my brows cringe together. Like WTF, lol. I’ve grown so much as a writer. Hey, some were from middle school. I threw a lot out. But now I’m thinking I should remove them from my recycle bin because it’s proof that practice and knowledge matters. I’m gonna go grab them now :)
OK, in a bag they will go. One day when I’m old sitting on my patio looking over the beach, I’ll be glad I kept them for my reminiscing days before I made it, lol 🙌
I do actually have some pretty good stuff. I had a hard time reading my own handing with quite a few, smh. It’s OK, I figured it out. As I’m skimming through these…some made me laugh. I smiled and had a feeling of warmth. There were others…others that OMG made my heart drop. I can’t believe how much I’ve forgotten through the years. Granted some of my writing isn’t about anyone. It was nothing I went through…just an outer body experience. But most, most are from my own experiences. A whole lot of scars. The tortured artist. I saw this photo today and couldn’t agree more with it. Pain brings out such beauty. Sucks right?
I’m gonna share something I wrote back in 2005. It made me laugh because I didn’t realize there was a rebuttal from her on the actual, physical paper. She was someone I took for granted. Someone I didn’t realize how much I cared for until years after I let her go. I guess it’s just one of those things. You don’t know what you have until you lose it? I’m not saying she was the one that got away…I’m saying she meant more to me than I realized at the time. She was someone who came to me at such a…I guess “blurry” time. Young and overwhelmed. I think of her now…and she humbles me. All the little things…I remember them all. I remember these words so loud and clear…”good luck finding someone who will do all things I do for you.” It’s true. There were just some things that she did for me that I haven’t found in anyone else. I’ve had great people who have loved me dearly through the years…I hate to compare, but she was right. There are just some things I can’t shake. Then again, we broke up for a reason. We had our fair share if craziness. Anyways, enough about that.
This was written November, 2005. No title though, lol. Nameless…like my faceless art :)
It seems as though no matter how hard we try, it’s not enough. The good times are good, but the hard times are so hard. Why do I remember the bad so well? Why does it linger so heavily on my heart. Why does it take so much from me? When things aren’t right I feel so lifeless inside. So much anger, hurt and despair.
I sit here wondering what will become of us. Are we meant to be? Or are we just fooling ourselves.
I hate that we fight. I hate that we can’t see eye to eye. Why is it so hard? Why can’t we just stay happy?
So much time. So much effort. Was it all for nothing? It kills me to think that. It hurts to know I opened my heart only to get it broken. Why do we argue so much? Are we really that different?
I hate it. I hate that we fight. I hate that we can’t get along. I hate the fact that we are so alike in some ways but so fucken different in so many others. I hate it. Sometimes it seems we’re living in two different worlds and I fucken hate it. Damn these feelings because look at where I am. Confused as fuck because I don’t know what to do.
I’m trying, you’re trying or it’s you’re not trying hard enough. I hate it. You don’t understand me, I don’t understand you. What the fuck we just can’t seem to understand each other. I hate it.
I think of the good times and I love them. Those moments I cherish. They make me smile. They make me happy. Then we fight. Why the hell do we have to fight? Those moments I hate.
I feel like I’m going crazy. What am I suppose to do? This shit is never-ending. How much more of myself do I have to give? How much more do I have to fucken change? What the hell is going on? I am losing myself and I fucken hate it.
From there it ends…and she writes…and I Roacilynn am just so stubborn. Sometimes I feel bad for Sophia. Poor girl…
LMAO I don’t know if I saw that before. I don’t think so though. I’m sorry that there was a lot of anger and F bombs in there. It was obviously a dark moment. I was like…omg, I was mad, lol. But, after reading it…I know I’ve learned and grown so much since then. So, so much! All relationships have fights. Both parties make mistakes. We all have unresolved baggage that we take into our relationships. I know first hand all my wrongs in that relationship. That’s just how it is. We screw up and learn. I think with every relationship we actually heal. For me, I can see all sides. I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. It might take a while, lol. But I will. I try to be fair but I also have a temper and can be irrational. I’ve taken something out of every relationship about myself. I can say I was great in this aspect but I sucked in this one. Therefore in the next relationship, I try to be better. I’m a work in progress. One day, I’ll get 80% of it right :) It will probably happen when “the one” arrives 😆 Why? Because the universe won’t bring me the one until I’m really ready. Until “the one” shows, I will just be learning more lessons and transforming into “the one” for whoever my soul mate is.
OK…this was a long post. I have a lot of work to do these coming months and I’m excited. I’m in a very good place right now and I plan to utilized this good energy to really get things done. I’m moving forward and following my heart. There’s no other alternative than living life on my terms. That’s it.
Tare care and Happy New Year just in case I don’t get a chance to post before then. And don’t do resolutions. Just do what you want now and be who you want to be now. Daily routines is the key. So just do it. Like brushing your teeth. Which I hope you do everyday :)