Yesterday I was confronted with something I’ve never had to deal with before. I am a mother of ONE. Before my son I didn’t really have any contact with kids. I do have a younger brother but we weren’t super close growing up. And it’s not the same anyway. Raising a child is in a class all itself.
My son approaches me yesterday as I was having dinner, ALONE. He supposedly wasn’t hungry. I’m irritated already with him because I like us to eat together. He comes to the table and just stands there. Not saying anything. Just with a blank look on his face. He leans on the table with one hand pressed against his left temple and the other under his chin holding his head up. I’m like…OMG…he wants something from me. He doesn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, rubbing his temple. Then I say, “you’re going to school tomorrow.” He shakes his head OK. Again I think WTH does he want in my mind. Then he starts crying! I’m confused now. I automatically thought something happened to his best friend. I think I stopped breathing for a few seconds. His best friend has some problems and I worry about her often. Thank the universe it wasn’t her. My son managed to get out, “Savannah and I broke up.” My immediate reaction was…you’re crying over that?! But only in my head, lol. I guess I don’t remember what it was like at that age. I mean I know I hurt a little here and there with a few boyfriends. But I don’t recall anything extremely painful. Did I ever cry over a boy during my teenage years, probably. Obviously nothing significant because I can’t remember.
It was a little hard for me to be sensitive. I just asked what happened and he didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t push it too much and gave him space. I’m not the biggest consoler, I don’t handle people crying very well. I will sit there with you and let you cry, but it’s hard for me to say anything. It’s awkward to see someone crying. Not that I’m cold, it’s the whole emotions all over the place. I’m not a wear my heart on my sleeve kind of person. Therefore my feelings are hardly ever out in the open. You won’t see me crying much, if ever. That doesn’t mean I don’t have any feelings…get that straight, lol.
I tried talking to him again before I went to bed. Asked him if he wanted me to make him pancakes, but it was a no go. He still was pretty upset. As I was laying in bed, I thought to myself, this is the first time I’ve ever seen him cry over a girl. I laid in bed thinking what can I say or do to help him feel better. It started to really sink in that my son was hurting. I texted him and asked if he wanted to lay down with me tonight. He said no but thank you though. I said OK and left him alone for the rest of the night.
Everything with my son is the first time. He’s my first and only kid. Everything I’ve had to learn. You have no idea how much time I spend on Google and reading books on child development. I couldn’t really even ask anyone because there aren’t very many “parents” I think the world of. So books were my thing. Every time I ran into a problem, Google was the answer. If you want to know something, Google has the answer. If not, it will direct you where you need to go.
It hasn’t been easy. I’ve made mistakes and I have regrets. I wish I didn’t but I do. I use to wish for a second chance. To be able to start over. There are so many things I would change. I know if I ever had another child, I’d be soooo much more patient. I hate seeing how parents get so frustrated with their little ones. Yes they can be annoying. But we forget they are babies. They are still learning. They aren’t adults. Their attention span isn’t like a 30-year-old. They do things they shouldn’t. Shit, adults do things they shouldn’t. So maybe we should STFU sometimes when our kids make little mistakes. I’m not gonna get into how so many parents shouldn’t be parents. That would be me judging so I’ll stop now.
Back to ME as a parent. I admit I am over protective. Better to be safe than sorry. I kept my son very close to me. He didn’t really go anywhere without me. There were only a few people who I trusted him with. When I felt like I could let go a little, I did. It took a little force haha, but I did. Now that he’s 13, so much has changed. He’s taller me, stronger than me. I really had to start loosening the chains. He finally gets to stay at a friend’s overnight. He can go to the mall or bowling alley from time to time. As long as his grades are good and there’s no sneaky crap going on.
If I had to be totally honest with myself, my last two relationships didn’t work because they didn’t have kids and didn’t have a clue how to help me raise mine. Well that’s not all true. I’m being bitter, lol. They opened my eyes to some things I didn’t see because I was so protective. I made sure no one came before him and I normally took his side. Or just didn’t see certain things as I should. I don’t think I had the right balance sometimes. Hey, you live and learn.
Back to my son. I’m getting off track.
I always have to remind him to stop and get grounded again. Just like most kids, he gets caught up and loses focus. It’s my job to make sure he finds his center when he’s lost. Parents raising teenagers…it’s hard. His lip drives me crazy. BUT, I have to think outside my box. I just have to figure out how to deal with things as they come. Like last night. Did I ever think my son would come crying to me about a girl? Hell no! I needed some time to process it. I had to go back in time and try to remember what it was like. I had to ask myself questions. I had to tell myself your son is sensitive, you need to be more sensitive. Not having a “male” figure around makes it harder in some ways. I kinda have to play both roles. Can’t be too much of a mom. I have to kinda be tough like a dad. I get confused sometimes. But at least I’m aware. I try my very best to be the best parent I can be. No where near perfect but I’d say he’s a pretty lucky kid. He may not have everything he wants, but he has someone who loves him more than anything on earth. And I’m not just saying that. I mean it. Everything I do, every decision I make is with him in mind. Who I am, who I try to be is with the intention of being someone he can look up to. He doesn’t like me a lot of times now that we’re in the teenage years. But hopefully one day when he’s older he’ll see things for what they really are. He should. Most kids do, I did with my mom. I laugh when I think about it now. All the things my mom use to say to me I say to my son.
This morning before I left to work. I woke him up and said good morning. I told him that he’s smart, he’s a nice guy and threw in your pretty good-looking, lol. I said there are plenty of girls that would love to be with him. Told him to trust me, that he will get over this and be OK. I gave him a few kisses and was off. He’s halfway through his day. I wonder how he’s doing. He’s a little dramatic. He’ll probably play the poor me card to everyone so they can feel sorry for him. I can picture it now. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. They go to the same school. I’m sure there will be some interesting talks going around. Hopefully he’ll want to talk about it when I pick him up.
***Sighs*** Broken hearts are hard ones to deal with. I even have my struggles with it. I know he’s hurting. No mom wants to see their child sad. But I can’t help thinking…you have no idea! Puppy love isn’t the same as true love. He doesn’t know true love at 13…there’s no way. He has so much to learn about girls and love. Shit I still do, LMAO. I at least have some experience and can help him. I also no that he will have to learn on his own as well. I can say whatever and he still will do whatever he wants. He’s young and all this is still very innocent. We’ll see what high school has in store for him…especially me! I’m going to die -_-
Anyways, that’s it for now Kudos to all the great moms and dads